That’s right, rules. Not guidelines. Rules. For the benefit of children’s ministries everywhere, here are a few simple rules that shall be implemented in every church immediately. No exceptions.
Let’s have a little fun. Here we go!
- Any pastoral, staff or board decisions, requiring anything from the children’s ministry department and made without the presence of the Children’s Pastor, are rendered null and void.
- The facilities/maintenance supervisor will not be permitted to give the Children’s Pastor mean looks in the hallway.
- Silly expenditures–such as new choir robes, ski trips for the youth group, cute furniture in the foyer, etc.–will not be allowed to negatively impact the children’s ministry budget.
- No matter how disruptive children’s church becomes during the adult service, ushers are not permitted to enter children’s church and “shush” while kids are singing.
- Multiple church services will not be added without prior, written approval from the Children’s Pastor.
- Children’s Pastors who work sixty hours per week will not be referred to as “part time” even though their pay is only half of what they deserve.
- Parents who put their kids in the nursery, but never volunteer to work in the nursery, will be asked to find another church.
- Food will not be permitted at any staff meetings conducted without the presence of the Children’s Pastor.
- The adult service will not be referred to as the “main service.”
- The names of children’s ministry workers who fail to show up without notifying the department director will be printed in the church bulletin the following week. Second offenses will result in a public reprimand by the Senior Pastor during the adult service on the following Sunday morning.
- In the event that the adult service runs long, overtime pay for the Children’s Pastor will begin five minutes after the service was scheduled to conclude. No exceptions.
- Money for construction of new facilities or renovation of existing facilities will not be allowed to negatively impact the children’s ministry budget.
- Cranky church secretaries will not be allowed to cop an attitude with the Children’s Pastor regarding access to the Senior Pastor.
- Neither the school principal nor any of the schoolteachers will be allowed to lock anything anywhere without the Children’s Pastor having a key.
- The youth pastor is never allowed to use anything that even looks like it might possibly belong to the children’s ministry department.
- Choir members will not be exempt from nursery duty.
- The Senior Pastor’s kids will not be allowed to run amuck over the Children’s Pastor without severe and immediate consequences.
- Immediately following VBS, the Children’s Pastor will receive four weeks off with pay.
Can I get an amen?